Turning Point

Sometimes I forget.

Isn't that one of the many tactics used by that sly Devil, The Devil? He just LOVES it when we forget..

Or more correctly, when we feel forgotten.

For the last few months that has been where I have been, forgotten. I kept telling myself that it was ok, the BIG MAN has a lot bigger things to worry about than little (ok not so little) ole me and my problems. I will just deal with them on my own.

But I was FAILING at dealing with things on my own.. I mean dotn get me wrong, I was praying, doing the things that I am supposed to do... All the while in the back of my head a bit of a "fake it 'til you make it" vibe.. Then Friday night I couldn't anymore. .. I knew I needed a blessing. I LOVE blessings.

Eki game me a blessing and used words in the right context that he doesn't even know the meaning to. I love that part. He said things that brought hope back to my life. I was councled, chastised and loved in my blessing. It was a turning point.

Then Sunday during our "linger longer" at church I went to the car to read my scriptures as I has been counsled to do.... After a very logical disvussion with myself of where I shoudl read, i found myself in the middle of the Bible where i THOUGHT that one story was.... instead I found myself right smack dab in the middle of the story on MY LIFE right now!! I could not have read more of an account of my life and how I was feeling if I had writen it myself. And clear as anything I KNOW that it was my Father telling me he knows where I am. he knows my LOT.

ok so this post isnt really for you.. it is for me.. A record so that I can remember down the road....

Am I a Bigot?

A lesbian friend of mine recently had a post on Facebook that has led to a lot of thought on my part this week.

I am home alone all day long and have a lot of time to think, read and reflect. All of this has boiled down to the question, am I a bigot? The word bigot has been thrown around a lot recently and I find myself wondering according to the LGBT community, where do I fit in? My opinions and beliefs are firm. This question is not posed to see if I need to change anything; it is posed instead to gain better understanding. You see I believe that MOST Christian people who are for Prop 8 are more like ME and less like the homophobic bullies and hateful monsters that have recently been shown on the news.

Let’s start with some basic definitions so that we are all on the same page (these were taken from Google of course. I took the first answer given, I didn’t scroll down to find one suitable for my use):

Bigot- a prejudiced person who is intolerant of any opinions differing from his own

Tolerant- showing respect for the rights or opinions or practices of others

Rights are variously construed as legal, social, or moral freedoms to act or refrain from acting, or entitlements to be acted upon or not acted upon. While the concept is fundamental to civilized societies, there is considerable disagreement about what is meant precisely by the term rights.

OK now that we have done that. Let me give you the facts to base your judgment.

I have recently (2 years) come back to the religion of my birth, I am LDS. I believe and support ALL of the comments made by President Boyd K Packer in the October 3rd morning session on General Conference. I have always agreed with the things that were said, even in my time away from the church.

Does that alone make me a bigot in your eyes? Assuming that we are all intelligent enough to base a decision on more than just one thing, let’s continue…

Just to be clear, I have never even as much as kissed another girl. I was a best friend and roommate to a friend while she went from being completely straight, to bi, to gay. I shared an apartment with that friend and at least 4 of her girlfriends. I used to go to gay clubs. I wouldn’t go to any clubs anymore… gay or straight. If I did still go to clubs I would happily take my husband into a gay club. I have helped my husband and others understand what I perceive to be untruths of the gay population, i.e. Just cause they are gay doesn’t mean they want to "do" YOU.. I have been termed a “fag-hag” on more than one occasion by gays and straights due to the extremely large amount of gay men who want to be my friend. Although I disagree with gay marriage, I feel like I have sympathy for couples and agree with things like being able to put any one person as a dependant on health coverage etc..

I try to treat everyone with respect, and with love.

I feel like that is enough to give you an idea of who I am. So now, I ask you the question..

Am I a bigot?

Anything like me

Religion, politics and money.

Those are the three taboo subjects right.. Well its 1 am and I am about to vent on another..

Yesterday I was washing dishes in the middle of the afternoon listening to country radio online, a song came on that I haven't heard before by Brad Paisley called Anything Like Me, all about an expectant father. in the middle of washing, my hands had to catch me on the side of the counter, I let the dishwater catch my tears.

Three days ago, I was waiting for Eki to get home done with all that I had to do so decided to watch the movie Julie and Julia. There is a scene where Julia Childs gets a letter from her sister who has been married for a few months, informing Julia that the sister is pregnant. In the middle painful tears she cries into her husbands chest how "wonderful it is". I know her pain.

It feels at times like such a curse to be the one's that are "So good with babies, it is too bad they don't have any of their own". I adore holding children and yet sometimes refrain from doing so because of how pathetic I look and feel. I used to do so, unabashedly until I walked into a room where I was being mocked for it. Something about seeing the way others see you.

And now, the trial of all trials. I have been called into nursery. I haven't been to church in two weeks. I wonder if Heavenly Father is actually BLESSING me with illness to give me more time to prep myself. How in the world am I going to balance the obvious outcome of falling in love with all of the 18 children in nursery, with the pure unadulterated emptiness of longing for my own.

Ok so I am having a hard time writing every day like I should.. Just because I can't seem to think of anything to write about. So today i looked online and found a site with a Question Of The Day.. So... on day's that I cant seem to think of anything to write about.. I will defer to that...


Today's question; Ice cream season is here! What's your favorite flavor? How do you take it? (Cup, cone, waffle cone, sundae etc.)


First of all, I think whoever came up with this question needs a mental exam! Ice Cream Season?? Who ever heard of something to ridiculous! EVERY SEASON is Ice Cream Season! It doesn't matter if it is a hot summer day or a cold winters night. Ice Cream is RIGHT!

I Love Ice Cream! It is a family tradition! When we were small I remember a friend of the family telling us that he has placed abet on how often the "Juniors" ate ice cream a week. The winning number? 6! When we were very small we would get the Half gallon box of ice cream and open the whole thing up and slice it evenly for the 7 of us. I distinctly remember the slices being beautifully even since the "slicer" got to pick last which one was theirs.. As we got older mom would buy the big tubs of vanilla and a bottle of Hershey's was always in the fridge. I also remember a FHE challenge to us to read a section of scripture. Each of us had a different section based on our age.. The reward? Ice Cream! An Earthquake from Baskin Robbins! Every year when it was time for our eye exams, dad would take us to Baskin Robbins for a scoop. And it was there.. at 31 flavors, that I met my first love.... Dark, Mysterious, Worldly, Smooth and Silky. World Class chocolate would forever be mine. A perfect mix of White Chocolate, Milk Chocolate and Dark Chocolate Ice Cream... My life was complete! (Of course this was WAY before the age of Eki)

Years later, I was visiting my oldest Brother in Vegas. He and his wife had found a New Favorite Flavor. I was skeptical.. BUT, strangely Jason and I have VERY similar tastes even to the oddities that we both don't like chicken on bones (that is another story). So that night Jason, Sydni and I scooped into my 2nd Ice Cream Love. Hagan Daas Strawberry! It is made with all natural ingredients, simple; Cream, Milk, Sugar, Eggs and Strawberries. How appealing is THAT!

So whether I was in the mood for Fruit or Chocolate I was set..

Since moving to NZ I have had to partially give up my love of Ice Cream. I don't get very excited about it anymore. So many stabilizers etc that most of it tastes like flavored frozen cool whip. Not a fan. But every now and then when my husband is VERY pleased with me... He knows how to make me the happiest girl in the world! Movenpick freshly scooped chocolate with chocolate sauce and whipped cream in a waffle cone.

A bunch of Fools...

We took our car home last Friday morning at 6am after pulling an all nighter at his parents’ house. We haven’t had our car for a month while it was getting fixed. It felt good to drive again. after sleeping all day, Eki took the car to a friend’s house for a minute.. And guess what?? Accident! Eki was hit by a drunk driver! Ok so first and foremost, Eki is fine. The guy hit the driver side straight on like a "T" and my husband wasn’t even bruised! I am so grateful for that.

This incident has led to many thoughts this week.

First, I had what I believe is my first panic attack. I have had anxiety in the past, but nothing like this. I thought I was fine because Eki was fine and I wasn't even in the car. That is what I get for thinkin’. Later Friday night, I saw that Eki ate an extra pie. We buy him 6 meat pies for his lunches.. One for each day of the week. I went to the fridge and saw that there were none left! We don’t buy them until Wednesday, which means that he would have 2 days without food. I flipped! Seriously I know that this borders on insanity, bare with me, it will hopefully make sense in a minute.. I got so upset with Eki for eating an extra pie! (yes I am laughing now at the shear ludicrousy of it) I realized at the time it was silly, I even knew that we had the money to buy him more.. But something I had planned on and expected went wrong.. Within 1/2 hour I had gone from upset to PANIC and after that to the realization that I could have LOST him that quickly! I was home chillin and my husband was in an accident that could have taken his life. Needless to say I realized that the freak-out was not about the pie at all, but about my lack of control over life in general. That my husband, my world, could be gone in an instant.. That is how it happens.. My mom didn't wake up that morning knowing that my dad would never be able to have a conversation with her again. My friend Angela didn’t wake up that morning thinking that she would be in her early 30's raising 6 kids by herself. We don't get a warning like on an airplane to "fasten your seatbelts, we are about to hit turbulence".

The second thing that came out of the accident is this, here in NZ people don’t automatically call the cops for accidents like they do in the States. It really is up to the people involved. Probably not surprising, but due to Eki's history, we have a HUGE reluctancy to get police involved in anything! We would really prefer to handle everything ourselves. So, when the guy hit Eki, they got out to talk.. Eki first noticed the guy had been drinking! ~~Although it personally offends Eki, he has no need to make sure that punishment is given by the law for such an infraction. We believe that change comes from within, not something a ticket will change.. ~~ The guy asked Eki repeatedly to not call the cops. He also said he had insurance and that he would cover everything. Eki got all of his details and they left it at that.. The next morning Eki called him to sort out the details and... surprise, surprise, the drunk driver that thought it was a good idea to overtake my husband while he was turning NOW thought it was a good idea to say it was Eki's fault! Well not standing for that, Eki called the insurance company to lodge a complaint and.. surprise, surprise, the drunk driver that thought it was a good idea to overtake my husband while he was turning and then thought it was a good idea to say it was all Eki's fault had LIED about having insurance!

So here we are, A wife with serious anxiety of losing her husband that is just fine, A car that has major chassis damage, A guy with no values, and A husband who a year and a half ago thought that he would live his life in a way so that he never again would have to deal with cops and go to court.

And after all of that, after all the clutter of the world, we remember, We Are Sealed! My parents are sealed, my friend is sealed, and all that REALLY matters is keeping our covenants so that we can have an eternity together.


**Disclosure** It is very uncharacteristic of me to be upset about a pie being eaten. Eki is not living with the food patrol Nazi... Just sayin...

Thirty~something

Do you remember that show thirtysomething? I never watched it.. I remember thinking as a kid how they were wasting quality TV time on a show about OLD people!

Well next week is my birthday and I am going to be thirty~~something. It is funny how different birthdays have stood out in my life...

I have had big parties, no parties and 5 day parties. I have been happy and joyful on my birthday's and I have been sad and alone. I have been excited to get older (16) and I have cried in the grocery store because I was sooo old (25) on my birthday. I even have had police detectives haul me "downtown" to question me about a murder on my birthday! Last year on my birthday, I ended up slapping my husband....twice.... Luckily he was laughing...

As I think about my Birthday's and everything that I have seen in my life. I am so grateful to be at this point in my life.. In fact.. this year I believe will mark the happiest in all of my life! Hopefully I will say that exact same thing every year from here on out.

Eki is planning my birthday. I have no idea what he has in store! I love that! The only two things I am sure of, is that it will start with a pedicure and end with a kiss. What more can I ask for?

So 8 days to go.. and I am starting to get excited! Did I mention that I LOVE my birthday's!

Matai

Very soon after meeting Eki, I saw the tattoo peeping out of his sleeve with the word Matautia. Of course all I was concerned about was that this wasn't some girls name that he has foolishly branded himself with before meeting me. I was relieved to learn that this was his Matai name. Eki is an Ali'i, a chief level that is regarded high enough that if ever at a family meeting, others would speak and state their case, and Eki as the Ali'i would be asked to make final decisions. That was all that I understood at the time, and that was enough for me.

Last night Eki was asked twice what his Matai name was. Both times when he told, the men inquiring had the same reaction. Almost visible jaw dropage. This was one of the first times that the subject came up here in New Zealand outside of family events. The reaction was staggering. After we left our function we talked for a while about the Matai, the implications and our combined lack of knowledge.

Previously we have had a bit of the stance that our gospel culture comes first and doesn't leave much room for anything else. However, after last night, seeing the immediate respect and even being told "I view you in a different light now", we got thinking.... If this is something that these men understand, and Eki as a worthy priesthood holder can use it for the good..... Right away, I joked that maybe more people will come to events that Eki invites them too. Although I was joking, what if it is true?

My parents and Eki's parents were always VERY active in Church AND community. I guess last night we realized that we aren't kids anymore (a realization we had AFTER shaking our booty's on the dance floor like 16 year olds). Eki's dad wasn't around to be an even higher Matai than Eki last night. Eki was IT. Maybe it is time to fully understand what that means and the possible good that Eki and I can do because of it..

So today while we go to visit family in the south, we have an agenda, more information on the Matai.....