100 Days of life Changing Behavior!

It is 3am and I can hardly wait until the morning! I have had so many things pop into my brain to do, to change, to fix and to start. 100 days of self improvement starts NOW. More details tomorrow!.

Anything like me

Religion, politics and money.

Those are the three taboo subjects right.. Well its 1 am and I am about to vent on another..

Yesterday I was washing dishes in the middle of the afternoon listening to country radio online, a song came on that I haven't heard before by Brad Paisley called Anything Like Me, all about an expectant father. in the middle of washing, my hands had to catch me on the side of the counter, I let the dishwater catch my tears.

Three days ago, I was waiting for Eki to get home done with all that I had to do so decided to watch the movie Julie and Julia. There is a scene where Julia Childs gets a letter from her sister who has been married for a few months, informing Julia that the sister is pregnant. In the middle painful tears she cries into her husbands chest how "wonderful it is". I know her pain.

It feels at times like such a curse to be the one's that are "So good with babies, it is too bad they don't have any of their own". I adore holding children and yet sometimes refrain from doing so because of how pathetic I look and feel. I used to do so, unabashedly until I walked into a room where I was being mocked for it. Something about seeing the way others see you.

And now, the trial of all trials. I have been called into nursery. I haven't been to church in two weeks. I wonder if Heavenly Father is actually BLESSING me with illness to give me more time to prep myself. How in the world am I going to balance the obvious outcome of falling in love with all of the 18 children in nursery, with the pure unadulterated emptiness of longing for my own.

A bunch of Fools...

We took our car home last Friday morning at 6am after pulling an all nighter at his parents’ house. We haven’t had our car for a month while it was getting fixed. It felt good to drive again. after sleeping all day, Eki took the car to a friend’s house for a minute.. And guess what?? Accident! Eki was hit by a drunk driver! Ok so first and foremost, Eki is fine. The guy hit the driver side straight on like a "T" and my husband wasn’t even bruised! I am so grateful for that.

This incident has led to many thoughts this week.

First, I had what I believe is my first panic attack. I have had anxiety in the past, but nothing like this. I thought I was fine because Eki was fine and I wasn't even in the car. That is what I get for thinkin’. Later Friday night, I saw that Eki ate an extra pie. We buy him 6 meat pies for his lunches.. One for each day of the week. I went to the fridge and saw that there were none left! We don’t buy them until Wednesday, which means that he would have 2 days without food. I flipped! Seriously I know that this borders on insanity, bare with me, it will hopefully make sense in a minute.. I got so upset with Eki for eating an extra pie! (yes I am laughing now at the shear ludicrousy of it) I realized at the time it was silly, I even knew that we had the money to buy him more.. But something I had planned on and expected went wrong.. Within 1/2 hour I had gone from upset to PANIC and after that to the realization that I could have LOST him that quickly! I was home chillin and my husband was in an accident that could have taken his life. Needless to say I realized that the freak-out was not about the pie at all, but about my lack of control over life in general. That my husband, my world, could be gone in an instant.. That is how it happens.. My mom didn't wake up that morning knowing that my dad would never be able to have a conversation with her again. My friend Angela didn’t wake up that morning thinking that she would be in her early 30's raising 6 kids by herself. We don't get a warning like on an airplane to "fasten your seatbelts, we are about to hit turbulence".

The second thing that came out of the accident is this, here in NZ people don’t automatically call the cops for accidents like they do in the States. It really is up to the people involved. Probably not surprising, but due to Eki's history, we have a HUGE reluctancy to get police involved in anything! We would really prefer to handle everything ourselves. So, when the guy hit Eki, they got out to talk.. Eki first noticed the guy had been drinking! ~~Although it personally offends Eki, he has no need to make sure that punishment is given by the law for such an infraction. We believe that change comes from within, not something a ticket will change.. ~~ The guy asked Eki repeatedly to not call the cops. He also said he had insurance and that he would cover everything. Eki got all of his details and they left it at that.. The next morning Eki called him to sort out the details and... surprise, surprise, the drunk driver that thought it was a good idea to overtake my husband while he was turning NOW thought it was a good idea to say it was Eki's fault! Well not standing for that, Eki called the insurance company to lodge a complaint and.. surprise, surprise, the drunk driver that thought it was a good idea to overtake my husband while he was turning and then thought it was a good idea to say it was all Eki's fault had LIED about having insurance!

So here we are, A wife with serious anxiety of losing her husband that is just fine, A car that has major chassis damage, A guy with no values, and A husband who a year and a half ago thought that he would live his life in a way so that he never again would have to deal with cops and go to court.

And after all of that, after all the clutter of the world, we remember, We Are Sealed! My parents are sealed, my friend is sealed, and all that REALLY matters is keeping our covenants so that we can have an eternity together.


**Disclosure** It is very uncharacteristic of me to be upset about a pie being eaten. Eki is not living with the food patrol Nazi... Just sayin...

Thirty~something

Do you remember that show thirtysomething? I never watched it.. I remember thinking as a kid how they were wasting quality TV time on a show about OLD people!

Well next week is my birthday and I am going to be thirty~~something. It is funny how different birthdays have stood out in my life...

I have had big parties, no parties and 5 day parties. I have been happy and joyful on my birthday's and I have been sad and alone. I have been excited to get older (16) and I have cried in the grocery store because I was sooo old (25) on my birthday. I even have had police detectives haul me "downtown" to question me about a murder on my birthday! Last year on my birthday, I ended up slapping my husband....twice.... Luckily he was laughing...

As I think about my Birthday's and everything that I have seen in my life. I am so grateful to be at this point in my life.. In fact.. this year I believe will mark the happiest in all of my life! Hopefully I will say that exact same thing every year from here on out.

Eki is planning my birthday. I have no idea what he has in store! I love that! The only two things I am sure of, is that it will start with a pedicure and end with a kiss. What more can I ask for?

So 8 days to go.. and I am starting to get excited! Did I mention that I LOVE my birthday's!

Matai

Very soon after meeting Eki, I saw the tattoo peeping out of his sleeve with the word Matautia. Of course all I was concerned about was that this wasn't some girls name that he has foolishly branded himself with before meeting me. I was relieved to learn that this was his Matai name. Eki is an Ali'i, a chief level that is regarded high enough that if ever at a family meeting, others would speak and state their case, and Eki as the Ali'i would be asked to make final decisions. That was all that I understood at the time, and that was enough for me.

Last night Eki was asked twice what his Matai name was. Both times when he told, the men inquiring had the same reaction. Almost visible jaw dropage. This was one of the first times that the subject came up here in New Zealand outside of family events. The reaction was staggering. After we left our function we talked for a while about the Matai, the implications and our combined lack of knowledge.

Previously we have had a bit of the stance that our gospel culture comes first and doesn't leave much room for anything else. However, after last night, seeing the immediate respect and even being told "I view you in a different light now", we got thinking.... If this is something that these men understand, and Eki as a worthy priesthood holder can use it for the good..... Right away, I joked that maybe more people will come to events that Eki invites them too. Although I was joking, what if it is true?

My parents and Eki's parents were always VERY active in Church AND community. I guess last night we realized that we aren't kids anymore (a realization we had AFTER shaking our booty's on the dance floor like 16 year olds). Eki's dad wasn't around to be an even higher Matai than Eki last night. Eki was IT. Maybe it is time to fully understand what that means and the possible good that Eki and I can do because of it..

So today while we go to visit family in the south, we have an agenda, more information on the Matai.....

ANTM

When I lived in Tucson before moving to New Zealand, I lied in my brothers guest house. Every Wednesday night His wife and I would meet in the living room of their home to watch America's Next Top Model. On this very special day of the week, we would plan what dinner we would be eating that night, waiting until her 4 rug rats went to bed. Usually it was a quick trip to Carls Jr. Nothing like eating a 3000 calorie meal while watching 100 lbs models fight it out.

The rest of the week was pretty hectic, but ANTM grew to be "our thing". We would laugh at the cat fights, judge the pictures and bet very early on who would make it til the end. I still occasionally watch ANTM, but Crystal isn't here and it isn't as fun. I miss her.

Every season on the show once the girls get down to 5 or 6 they travel to a fashion capitol of the world to finish the remaining shows. This season, they came to New Zealand!

Last Wednesday night, I watched on TV, the girls land in the airport I have seen to so many times. They drove on the motor way and showed Mangere Bridge where my in-laws live. Then they showed the Auckland skyline, the exact same view Eki and I see every day of our lives. The girls had a challenge right away, but when they were done and taken to their home I was SHOCKED to realize that they were driving them north of Auckland into North Shore where I live! They took the same exit that Eki and I take to go to the beach 10 minutes away from us. Then they pulled up to the tallest building in Takapuna, Where Eki and I had our first date and where we go often for a night time stroll past the shops. In the morning the girls woke up and looked out over MY OCEAN. They Squealed over how beautiful it was, and "not being able to believe that they were here" and "who knew that a place in the world even looked like this". The whole time the camera was showing My Home.

And in normal Darci fashion.... I bawled...

I miss my sister. I miss my family. I miss the States. BUT! I am so lucky to live here! My sister-in-law Crystal hasn't had a chance to come here. Yet, something about the TV show that her and I watched together, showing her my home made it feel like she was here.... I guess just that now she has a visual of where I walk, where I swim. It was strangely overwhelming to me. I felt grateful and laughed at the coincidence.

So thank you ANTM you were once again a highlight in my week!

Going at your own pace...

I love to go swimming! I love almost everything about it. But every time I go swimming I am faced with a question. Jump right in or go in at my own pace. It is a good question to ponder life with..

We had a pool growing up and my family were all jumper's. A little water on the back of the neck and we were set! I was safe, I was resilient and it was one of the very few endorphin rushes that I was happy to experience. Some would say that jumping right it in ALWAYS the way to go. "Just get it over with" is heard around water along with "hurry and dunk your head under that is the worst part" and "it's like ripping off a band aide, it only hurts for a minute". In fact we were such a family of jumper's that when anyone came over and tried to ease in... those tauntings were coming from us.

Funny enough over the years I have become an "ease your way in" kinda girl.

Easing into the water inching down, planning in my head how far up my next step into the deep will take me, sorting out just how quickly or how slowly I need to go to let the cold of the water ease into my body thus preventing shortness of breath, goosebumps and the anxiousness of being too cold too quick? In that moment I focus on the warm sun on my back and how it can camouflage the cold of the water rising over my thighs. It is enjoyable and relaxing. I smile and I laugh at the wave that takes me by surprise. I am safe and although not so resilient, still an occasional rush.

As someone who now goes at my own pace, I have learned a valuable thing. There is nothing, Nothing, NOTHING worse than being in my zone, easing myself in, and a "Jumper" coming along and trying to dunk you! As a former jumper I understand their point of view. Jumpers honestly think that it is fun, and for the best and that if they can help you get wet faster you can come and enjoy the fun! WRONG... Once the dreaded dunk has occurred, all that I want to do is RECOIL!

I guess I think that in life there are times to jump right in! Jump into that new job! Jump into the gym! Jump into reading scriptures, eating healthier, praying every day, and into being positive. But there are also times when it is OK to go at my own pace. When I need to feel safe, when my heart is out for others to see, when I have been burned before....

So please, If I tell you I am going at my own pace don't try to dunk me!