Anything like me

Religion, politics and money.

Those are the three taboo subjects right.. Well its 1 am and I am about to vent on another..

Yesterday I was washing dishes in the middle of the afternoon listening to country radio online, a song came on that I haven't heard before by Brad Paisley called Anything Like Me, all about an expectant father. in the middle of washing, my hands had to catch me on the side of the counter, I let the dishwater catch my tears.

Three days ago, I was waiting for Eki to get home done with all that I had to do so decided to watch the movie Julie and Julia. There is a scene where Julia Childs gets a letter from her sister who has been married for a few months, informing Julia that the sister is pregnant. In the middle painful tears she cries into her husbands chest how "wonderful it is". I know her pain.

It feels at times like such a curse to be the one's that are "So good with babies, it is too bad they don't have any of their own". I adore holding children and yet sometimes refrain from doing so because of how pathetic I look and feel. I used to do so, unabashedly until I walked into a room where I was being mocked for it. Something about seeing the way others see you.

And now, the trial of all trials. I have been called into nursery. I haven't been to church in two weeks. I wonder if Heavenly Father is actually BLESSING me with illness to give me more time to prep myself. How in the world am I going to balance the obvious outcome of falling in love with all of the 18 children in nursery, with the pure unadulterated emptiness of longing for my own.