Religion, politics and money.
Those are the three taboo subjects right.. Well its 1 am and I am about to vent on another..
Yesterday I was washing dishes in the middle of the afternoon listening to country radio online, a song came on that I haven't heard before by Brad Paisley called Anything Like Me, all about an expectant father. in the middle of washing, my hands had to catch me on the side of the counter, I let the dishwater catch my tears.
Three days ago, I was waiting for Eki to get home done with all that I had to do so decided to watch the movie Julie and Julia. There is a scene where Julia Childs gets a letter from her sister who has been married for a few months, informing Julia that the sister is pregnant. In the middle painful tears she cries into her husbands chest how "wonderful it is". I know her pain.
It feels at times like such a curse to be the one's that are "So good with babies, it is too bad they don't have any of their own". I adore holding children and yet sometimes refrain from doing so because of how pathetic I look and feel. I used to do so, unabashedly until I walked into a room where I was being mocked for it. Something about seeing the way others see you.
And now, the trial of all trials. I have been called into nursery. I haven't been to church in two weeks. I wonder if Heavenly Father is actually BLESSING me with illness to give me more time to prep myself. How in the world am I going to balance the obvious outcome of falling in love with all of the 18 children in nursery, with the pure unadulterated emptiness of longing for my own.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Anything like me
Posted by Darci & Eki at 5:51 AM
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2 comments:
I'm crying. Darci, I'm so sorry you have this trial to face when you love children so much and they love you in turn.
I truly considered you a second mother to my babies while you were here.
How selfish and thoughtless and ungrateful we mothers sometimes are when we take for granted the little human miracles we've been given.
I don't really know the right thing to say here. I can't make it better for you. I know that.
Just remember I love you so much and your brother misses you desperately and my 4 babies ADORE you. They often remind me of things in terms of "when Darci was here"...
Darci - I had no idea, I had been missing you at church and wanted to ring and talk but I don't like to pry and decided to leave you to it. Whata horrible person I am, and I can't believe that it's only TODAY that I have read this and realised what was going on, I need to call you.
I love seeing you hold babies I don;t think you look pathetic at all, I love watching how they are mezmorized by you, it's a gift.
I am sorry you werte hurting so bad and I was too scared to ask. x
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